Royal

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq... They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Titanic: And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.

Your forehead goes back to when Burger King was Burger Prince.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

What do Madeline McCann and a submarine have in common?

Both are at the bottom of the ocean full of seamen!

What's black and white, black and white, black and white?

Michael Jackson.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Why did the old man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I threw a boomerang years ago. Now I live in constant fear.

A woman walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"

I hope death is a girl. That way, it'll never come for me.

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board!

What do emos use as birth control?

Their personalities!

My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.

No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people, and I wish them the best. Best of luck.

China. There. :)

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.