Royal

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair? An RC/XD

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all beat the room for being black.

Hardest part about being a paedophile?

Fitting in.

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well, at least the one I fucked did.

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction.

How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close the casket.

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?

It can't hit home.

Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!

I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.